Beneath The Old Dark House is a recent horror anthology with a very retro VHS vibe to it. Featuring an 80’s synth-scaping soundtrack, fake video tape glitches, a fair bit of female nudity, and brief flashes of gore. Here is a region-free release of the Blu-Ray Scream Team Releasing- taking in a director's commentary track, and a behind-the-scenes documentary.

Beneath The Old Dark House is a 2022 release. It was written and directed by Virginia-born Matt Cloude- who has had four feature-length credits- these went from SOV Midnight In The Mortuary (2018). Onto Mutants (2018) which sold itself as a proportionally sized horror Film.

Let me begin by saying I’m a big fan of horror anthology films, as well as 80’s vibes- so, in theory, this should be right up my street… I really did try with this, but boy was it a grind to get through- even at the one hour & twenty-six-minute mark.

Things open relatively hopeful- as we see a hunched back/leather-faced figure stretching some flesh & sewing it together- there’s an edge of unease, as we only get an over-shoulder shot. Next, we switch to a motel room- where sprawled on her front naked is a slightly/ skinny woman- there’s an argument going on next door she shouts for them to shut up, smokes a few cigarettes, goes for a drink at a bar, talks to a man- though this is done in silence- so we have no idea what’s been said. She gets back to her room, has a shower then gets captured by the hunched figure, who tapes her nipples with crosses … unlike the other stories this doesn’t have a title.

Next, we The Bride. And once again this starts with a partially dressed woman on a bed- then we flash to a tacky advert of a Mexican restaurant. And this is where this story's lead character works as a waitress. She gets chatting to a geeky-if-sinister glasses-wearing customer- who keeps coming into the dinner and he imagines she loves him. One night he slashes her tyres in an attempt to get her to ask for a lift- they head back to his place, and a rather run-of-the-mill Ed Gein-like story unfolds. With this story- the score/ dialogue balance is really bad, and at some point, it’s very difficult to hear what is been said.

The middle story is called The Doll- here we find a thirty-something woman being given an isolated cabin house after her relation dies. She gets shown around by a touchy/ feely lawyer- then finds a cheap version of the Annabelle doll. And strange things start happening- is it the doll, the creepy lawyer, or something else…this was the dullest and most derivative of all three(four) stories here.

Lastly, we have The Witch, which finds an elderly historian going to visit a sixty-something woman with some dark mystery around her- to discuss the legends of her house. Again, the acting is terrible, there’s zero tension, the props look just that, and the character's dialogue is decidedly dull. I guess(if it’s your thing) you get to see in her late 60s screen queen Brinke Stevens getting her bare breast sprayed with blood.

The acting throughout is pretty bog-standard B movie- and really you don’t care or feel for anyone. Yes, I guess there is female nudity (if you're looking for that), the gore(when it briefly appears) is very below par, and each story is deeply cinched, not in the least bit scary, and you’ll find there is zero atmosphere to be found anywhere. To be frank Beneath the Old Dark House stands as one of the worse horror anthologies I’ve ever had to sit through, on par/possibly worse than Troma’s Tales From The Crapper- which will give you an idea of how awful this is.

On the Blu ray we get a behind-the-scenes making of( one hour nineteen minutes), and a commentary track from the director. So a pretty good selection of extras- though I’m afraid I just couldn’t bring myself to watch/ play either- which is a first, as normally even with the most uninspired/ lacklustre of films I’ll make some effort, after sitting through the film I just couldn't face it.

I do hate being negative/down on a low-budget horror production- but I’m afraid Beneath The Old Dark House is truly dire- full of cliches, lacking shock or terror, with the whole thing being a task to get through. So, to put it slightly mildly/ less blunt terms- it’s not for me.