You’re All Doomed — You’re All Doomed( DVD)
You’re All Doomed is the new slasher throwback film from long-running/low-budget horror/ sci-fi director Mark Polonia. He’s been active since the 80s, with around a hundred features to his name- including SOV classics like Splatter Farm & Hallucinations. The film to hand truly is a love letter to stalk ‘n’ slash films of the 80s, with some lines/ scenes directly mimicked. Here from Wild Eye Releasing is a DVD release of the film, taking in Mark’s always worthy, interesting, and down-to-earth director's commentary track.
You’re All Doomed is a 2026 production, and if you are familiar with Mark’s recent work, it features a few recognisable faces, such as Jeff Kirkendall, Marie DeLorenzo, and Mark himself in key roles. The whole film runs at a fairly tight one hour and nine minute mark, and like Mark’s other recent work, it utilises some stock image/ footage- though maybe not as much as some of his work.
We open with the classic telling campfire tale- it regards a campground handman who accidentally blows himself up, gets put out, before being sent to a psych hospital- he’s been given the rather affectionate name of Crispy. Those telling the tale are laughing about it all, but the pops up a bearded figure, who declares it’s all true….and 'You’re All Doomed'…roll credits.
As we get into the film, we meet are team of six or so friends in a car- they are being paid to clear out a rundown summer camp. And I guess they are all, in the more later thirties to middle age range- we have bubbly/ at points flirty Tanya(Marie DeLorenzo), baseball-hatted ‘n’ goatee Ed( Tim Hatch), bespeckled & neatly bearded Gerald( Mark Polonia), and short bleach-blond-haired Ritchie(Cody Losinger).
The camp is in an isolated/ fairly barren area, with snow on the ground. When they arrive, they are met by the hatted and long-haired Reggie Rees(Jeff Kirkendall), who details what the job entails.
As the film unfolds, our white sack-wearing, boiler-suited, and garden-gloved killer goes from heavy breathing POV stalking, to killing…. This side of things is very brief, lo-fi PC graphic-bound- with knife throat-slicings, stabbings, shears in the eyes, and one decapitation. So if you’re here for the gory/inventive murder side of things, you’ll be disappointed.
But if you're looking for a love letter to the golden age of slashers, with some light touches of humour. Decent/ at points eerier stalkings, and a neat setting- you’ll very much enjoy what we have on offer here. All in all, You’re All Doomed is another entertaining/engaging Mark Polonia film.
The only extra here, aside from trailers, is a director's commentary with Mark Polonia- and as always, this is the most entertaining/informative track. He starts off by letting us know that this was the 12th film he shot in 2024, and the title was a tribute to crazy Ralph from the first few F13 pictures. We find out the film was just shot in four days between Christmas and New Year's Eve. He talks about how the weather was cold and unpredictable. He discusses a few of his favourite winter-set slasher movies and talks about how moody they can be. He chats about how he wanted to show how the killer got his costume, and that he created all the breathing effects in the picture. He talks about the best way to shoot in car scene, and how he had to post dub the film, due to the sound of the wind in the outside scenes. He talks about his passion for the slasher form, with one of his fondest memories going to see a double bill of Friday the 13th Part Two & My Bloody Valentine at the drive-in at the age of fourteen. Later on he points out post-production tricks, and great foggy shots which really sell the out in the middle of nowhere feel. He talks about the reasons why he didn’t want the film to be too gory, and much more. Another excellent track from Mark.
In conclusion, if you either lived through/ loved the gold age of the slasher, or are a fan of Mr Polonia's other work, You’re All Doomed is a must!.